she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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