The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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