I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
