I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
