Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
