oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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