im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
