She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize