Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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