508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
