my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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