Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
