i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
