Sry I called you an 8
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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