I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
the liver wants what the liver wants
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
