my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
