also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
