Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
