morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
