Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
