This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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