Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
