Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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