Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
