who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Less talking, more tequila
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
