he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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