Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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