What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
