You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
4 words: hood of his car
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
