guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
