two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize