I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
