having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
