...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
