the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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