Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
