Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
