You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Randomize