No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
