you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
