there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
