Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Is Oprah even human
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
