Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
