Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
