He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You are a genius and a whore.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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