I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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