Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
