Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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