Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
