Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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