I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
