I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
