My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize