I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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