two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
