you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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