yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
