I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
