Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
