Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
